July 01, 2008

The World's Oldest Profession and other related incidents

Ooohhhh, the streets of South Beach in Miami, Florida, are a little safer, or at least a little less fun. As 3 police officers were working their turf (that's what they say on CSI: Miami and I know that shit is totally legit), they were approached by a pair of ladies of the night. Here, I'll let Catharine Skipp and Arian Campo-Flores of Newsweek break it down for you. I'd like to myself, but each time I try to type a new word, I am paralyzed by the looping melody of Prince's Pussy Control that is playing endlessly in my head.
For $40 each, the men could join them aboard a limousine bus with "all you can drink" service included. Intrigued, the cops agreed. Once on board, they found two more women and a male driver. Some of the women began removing their clothes and dancing, police say. The detectives were then offered a menu of options, according to arrest affidavits: "stand-up" dances for $10, lap dances for $20 and access to a curtained VIP room for $125, where "you'll get your money worth," one of the women said. All three officers paid for two lap dances each. Then, the affidavits read, they paid for admission to the VIP area, where two of them negotiated oral sex for $100 each and the third arranged for sexual intercourse for the same price. Before the women could perform, the detectives arrested all six people on board.
Now I understand that prostitution is a big health risk or whatever, but I'm pretty for sure that any person who is willing to participate on either end of the world's oldest profession probably isn't too safety conscience in the first damn place. My beef with hooking is rather on a tax purpose. I mean, Rowdy and I are ranchers, so in a sense, we are selling ass, too. Maybe that's a stretch, but the morale is that we are certainly paying tax for each head we ship out of here. Also, while I'm all for following laws to a tee (which, I think, is totally evident, right?), I have to give a tip of the hat to the ingenious pimp who orchestrated all this in the first place. I think this speaks volumes for the innovative, pioneering spirit of American commerce.
On a side note, right after I read this little news snippet of the "Rough Ride," another story out of the Florida neck of the woods made me think that maybe this is all the fault of the cratering American housing market. After all, few places have been hit harder by the mortgage meltdown, Subprimal Fear as I like to call it, than the Sunshine State. Right down the raunchy road from the love limo is a 42-year-old single mother who is auctioning her home and her hand in marriage together. It's like one of those consignment jobs who see in Western Oklahoma after old farmer dies, leaving his heirs with a few barns full of decades of random equipment. Well, it's not just exactly like that, but you get the drift. Devon Trabosh has listed the 2,000 square foot home for $340,000 on eBay, but has naturally added a half a million for shipping and handling fees. Seriously, a half a mill. Ebay kicked the listing off because they apparently have some clause that prevents humans from being sold on their site, but cleaver Devon is vowing to just reword the ad.
"I'm not selling myself. I'm selling love...to meet that true love," Devon gushes.
I don't know, maybe she is seeking her soul mate who most assuredly has been hidden all these years on internet auction sites or Craig's List. But then again, I think the ad she wrote as "Marry a Princess Lost in America" should have read "Rescue a Desperate, High-Maintenance Harpy Lost in Foreclosure."
Call me a cynic, but at least with the hookers the rates are reasonable, there are no hidden up-keep fees (except penicillin, perhaps, but that can be true of Devon just as well) and you know what you are getting.

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