Charlie Sheen Has A Mop on his Head

I have a love-hate relationship with the highest paid TV stars list, which is released annually to remind all us little people what tier of the food chain we are actually on. On one hand, I am fascinated by the ingenuity these beautiful people utilize to convince TV's brightest and most genius producers and writers that, in spite of a show's brilliant contest, it just could not go on without them. That brand of craftiness must be admired, right?
Then, on the other hand, I compare these hefty paydays to, I don't know, the salaries of teachers, nurses and farmers, and the misplaced values of our society are so freakin' pronounced. Maybe we all need Ari Gold for money-negotiating representation. I can just hear it now:
"Listen, you weaselly son of an ass licker, my client Florence Nightingale won't give one more shot of penicillin, she won't wrap one more damn bandage until you get out your pen and your checkbook and double that fucking offer. I've got four other hospitals on the hold, just waiting to scoop up our girl. Now, she loves you, she wants to work with you, but she's got to take care of hers, too, my man. Momma needs a new pair of white shoes, if you're picking up what I'm laying down. These other guys are circling the boat like bloody-thirsting sharks, my man, so if you aren't panicking, you fucking should be. Hurry up 'cause Nurse Nightingale's loyalty will only buy you so much time. Show us the money or we'll show you the road, jack!"
So, when the newest installation of the highest paid TV stars hit the presses, I soaked it up like a frat boy in a strip club. Wide-eyed, mouth gaping open, just staring at the prize.
And low and freakin' behold, there at number 7 was my favorite man boy, Charlie Sheen. Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I absolutely love Charlie. As you can probably tell from most my posts, I have a special place in my heart for people who "Keep It Real." While the rest of the world, famous or not, tries to stuff our fetishes and dirty little secrets into a dark, dark closet, Ol' Chuck just puts it out there like drinking at 9 am with a team of foreign hookers is something others might frown upon. Truly, he is one of my favorites. Plus, while I whole-heartily believe that marriage with Charlie might be like living through Dante's Inferno, I somehow feel sorry for him for the hell I'm sure he endures at the hands of that harpie he was once wed to. Denise Richards, now that could drive you to drinking. Just a few weeks ago it was revealed that she had, in fact, asked Charlie to father another child with her, a claim she first denied, but then admitted to, explaining that she only did it to make Charlie's new wife jealous.
With all that said, when I saw that Two and a Half Men is now scoring Charlie a quite impressive $825,000 an episode, equaling over $20 million a season, my only thought was this: Maybe now he can get himself hair plugs that DON'T look like a black, stringy poinsettia resting peacefully on his forehead. Seriously, it's like a mop is steaming out of his head.
Now, I'm not suggesting that Charlie has had hair plugs installed (although that is what my gut tells me), but surely I'm not the only one who has noticed the clear change in consistency in his hair patterns. Up until a year or two ago, he had a thick, charcoal mane, reminiscent to me of Ken's of the Ken and Barbie fame. But, that has sadly gone the way of his wildly misspent youth. It is gone and, without the assistance of a seriously expensive procedure, it is lost forever. As you know, I'm no expert on matters of cosmetology. Even though my mother's been a stylist most of my life, my stint in beauty school was a miserable disaster. It was bad and I mean bad. So, I guess I could be wrong about this. I don't think I am, but I could be. I just find it strange that his hair that once combed nicely to the side now flowers out from the center like a giant firework exploding into a tragic cowlick. What do you think?

Charlie before the hair hurricane now atop his head.

Charlie Sheen, after

Get our your walking boots. It's gonna be a long hike.

It's a good thing we Americans are willing to borrow trillions of dollars with tacked interest from the Chinese, whose currency has risen 20% against the US greenback in the last three years, to give tax cuts for the first time during war AND to distribute to "stimulus packages" our populace so that they go scurry to K-Mart to buy cheap shit made in freakin' China. I mean, if we weren't throwing our cash at 'em hand over fist like 19-year-old sailors in a cat house, the Chinese government might not be able to afford to subsidize 75% of the fuel consumed by their general population. For a long time, I've had a theory that the Chinese were going to wait to raise interest rates on their rapidly growing economy until after the Olympics because they feared if they did, their citizens would take to the streets in a widespread protest. The Chinese have never been hip to civil disobedience, no matter how peaceful, and they know we ALL still recall the Tianneman Square Massacre of the late 1980s. Well, just add this fact, the fuel subsidization, to the theory.
On one hand, you have to hope the Chinese will desist their gas subsidies in order to lower the demand for fuel. After all, their economy may be booming, but this $4 fuel is certainly doing to inhibit ours. But, on the other hand, because the Chinese now have such a huge interest in our country, any hiccup in their own economy will lead to a full-on belch in ours. After all, the Chinese hold $500 billion in United States Treasury Securities and our debt to them is now nearing $1.5 trillion. So, just like Iraq, this poses a difficult and almost impossible to answer condondrum. The Bush Administration is continuing to grovel for the economic sympathy from China at the G8 meeting, but like any loan shark with your balls in a vase, the Chinese are loudly and clearly declaring, "You are our bitch!"
So, when you get your stimulus package or "China Money" just remember what it really costs. The interest that we, the American tax payers, will fork over to the fat belly of the Chinese for this reckless loan will most certainly help pay for their subsidization. And just as that unsettling thought is terrorizing your pretty little head just remember that the $4 a gallon gas is just now starting to really effect our economy and consumer, both of which are weaker than the Chinese. If they are just paying $1 a gallon, just how much more will their surging thirst for oil go? With the entire world on a paranoid watch for Israeli bombs upon Iranian nuclear facilities, knowing even unfounded rumors will push oil over the $150 a barrel mark within the next week or two, what will continued fuel subsidies for China's citizenry bear upon the already unstoppable price tag upon crude?
Well, about ONE BILLION Chinese have traded in their bicycles, formerly their only transportation option, in for cars in the last five years. I wonder if they will sell them to us at a discount. Maybe that's what you should buy with your China money.

Apocolyptic Accounting, I suppose

Well, the oil inventory numbers just came in. Keep in mind that crude was already trading at $135, a solid hunksie over what it traded at less than a decade ago. Analysts were expecting a neutral number, neither an increase or decrease in the world's available supply. Boy, where they off on this. On CNBC, any time some report is scheduled to come out, which is often with home sales, credit applications, even freakin' ebay listings, they put a small countdown graphic in the bottom right hand corner to the time of the expected announcement. Just as the clock hit 00:00, the doom on the announcers faces was evident.
The crude inventories came in 4.6 MILLION barrels lower than expected. Instantly, crude rocketed up and the Dow went in the opposite direction. With the housing market still reeling from the knock out punches of last summer and the trickled effect of the Bear Sterns demise, I can't help but wonder how this trifecta will effect the American economy. You might not afford to go the movies or on the earned and anticpated vacation, but you at least now have my witty blog to entertain you. I know that's a comfort.
On the other hand, if you do have to go through the "American Oil Crisis," as the conservative CNBC is now deeming it, there's probably no better place to live than Western Oklahoma. Rowdy and I may have to sell one of our kids to get a wheat crop in the ground, but at least our friends and Rowdy's stepfather can whip out their fat oil dough and buy us a beer for consolation. Talk about job security. All jokes aside, I'm a lover of Western Oklahoma and it really does make me happy seeing this area that is my home prosper.
Several airlines are making moves to cut down their fuel consumption and some of them sound kind of funny. American Airlines, for example, is debating removing all the backseat telephones, stating that each plane carries 200 pounds of 'em.
Now the South Koreans are out in full force protesting because their government is reinstating their American beef imports. Of course this is frenzied fit is because of the one confirmed case of mad cow. It was over three years ago and the American Beef Industry has gone above and beyond to prove overwhelmingly we will never have another case. For example, if a steer has any trouble walking, he will never make it into the food chain. Turns out, they sometimes break their legs. The leg can be healed, but if it impairs their ability to walk at all, the slaughter houses won't take 'em. The upside is that Rowdy then has more head to feed out here and then sell at cost to our lucky friends. You won't eat a finer steak at the most swank restaurant in Manhattan than you will in my kitchen, thanks to the feeding genius of my husband. American beef is really our only remaining import. Everything else can made, normally cheaper, in other countries. And, sure, they can raise beef in the other parts of the world, but they can't raise the quality beef that we do. Have you ever eaten a burger in Mexico? However, that sole case of mad cow in American, the world's largest beef producer, has been a bargaining chip in the South Korean Free Trade Agreement. Ranchers were offered up on a sacrificial alter for lower import tariffs and Korean a few troops. Thank God they did, too. It would be total disaster if pimple-faced 14-year-0lds had to pay $30 for video game than $25. If you think we will go to war over foreign oil, just imagine if we were fully dependent on foreign food. In this global market, a country must be able to import something to maintain growth and, in turn, independence.
Last night I saw a Wal-Mart commercial promising to cash the stimulus checks, or "China Money" as Mollie coined it, without a fee. And, if you will get it put on some sort of Wal-Mart card, they will waive other fees. Now, let me see if I fully understand this --- We are borrowing money with interest from China to give to American consumers to stimulate our economy (and our stock market, which is cooooolllll with this stock trader) so that they can go to Wal-Mart to buy products made in freakin' China. Holy shit, it's like some weird twilight zone. Remember that picture of the cow eating grass in your science books, with the arrows going into a circle. That's what it reminds me of. And, outside of the short-term, I can't really see this being beneficial to the country, but you know I'll be getting long the favorite retail stores of idiots who will spend their checks instead of saving them. Maybe AutoZone or Pep Boys? Vehicles seem to be the preferred investment of the prudently frugal. Spinners or lift kits or a deafening "system," anyone?
Speaking of shopping, this month's retail numbers come out tomorrow. Just like today, the little countdown will be rollin' away in the corner of the tv screen on CNBC. I'm sure this oil mess won't look positively effect these reports, but who knows? The first round of verdicts on the stimulus checks will be in and, good or bad, you can beat the talking heads will be all a-twitter.
Until then, I'm not putting either of the boys on the auction block just yet. But, we are still three months, give or take, from sowing wheat. Call me then and we'll see. They are cute and they never talk back. They eat whatever you serve then and they put themselves to sleep. And the stimulus checks are going to fix everything.