September 13, 2008

When Kids Invade the Bedroom

Pull up a chair, Readers, it's lessons from Shonda time again.
For some reason, I've been blogging about getting it on and, moreover, the subsequent reproduction that it causes lately. It all started with Bristol Palin and the big no-no she and her hot piece of Alaskan tail Levi Johnston got into. Well, it didn't really start there. You know I've been a weaselly perv for many a years now, that just sparked all the writing. Then I talked to all you teenagers out there about the perks of having a baby at a young age. Mollie did it and now she has a mini nanny. I waited until I was 24 to start having kids, which is like 40 here in Oklahoma. Seriously, my aunt Janet began calling me an old maid when I was 20. To be fair, she and her bunch are more fertile than prime Ohio farm ground. Anyways, my responsibility (or luck, whatev) really paid off. While I'm slaving over six freakin' loads of laundry, Mollie's watching tv as her daughter Hannah loads the dryer and pours milk for the smaller children. It's bullshit.
Well, I figured I might as well keep the raunchy theme going, right. Today I want to talk to you about birth control in its most effective means.
Now, in order for you to take this sure fire route, you must have either already reproduced or have access to a kid you can borrow. I repeat, there must be small children.
I can tell you, Brilliant Readers, that nothing slows down the procreation like a toddler's head peeking over the side of the bed just as you start rubbing on your partner's nether regions.
"Momma, there's a monster under my bed," he whispers as he shimmies into bed and rests between the two of you.
But, you don't give up there. After all, the two of you used to be quite the rock stars in this regard and you are motivated to kick off the reunion tour. You lay like motionless rocks until the little angel is sleeping soundly, then you sneak off to his home. It, after all, is free.
Just as you slip into the Thomas the Train sheets (this is totally hypothetical), you hear a soft cry in the room of the baby. The soft cry quickly turns into a shrill scream. You sigh, leave your handsome spouse in the big kid's room and go to soothe the little kid.
Of course, for some odd reason, it takes twice as long to comfort him as it normally does. You rock and sing, whisper and hug, but the child reminds you there is no rest for the weary and no love for the randy.
By the time you perform the small miracle of hypnotising the kiddo, you creep back into the toddler's room to find a snoring husband.
So, there you, Readers. If you don't want to get pregnant, just have kids.

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Anonymous said...

I think I know how comedians' wives feel. Quit making me sound like a slave driver. I am the Best Mom Ever.

Also, you are just not heartless enough. Quit sissifying those boys of yours with all that nurturing. Kick their asses out of the room and tell them to them stuff it. If they still complain, put locks on your door and buy a white noise machine.

ORGANS Should be Allowed on the FREE MARKET. Then poor people would really see benefit from the trickle down effect. By selling their body parts to Paris Hilton.

Pam said...

lmao ah yes, the toddler days. i have one kid that's 21 and the rest are half way to 18..yeah, baby! add into the mix a tubal ligation and a uterine ablation..what do you get? sex..anytime, anywhere. LOL! oh, yeah...and we have a lock on the bedroom door.

Anonymous said...

UUgghh...I remember those days.

Thank God they're over for me!! :)

Dagny said...

Do you loan out your kids for birth control purposes?

for a different kind of girl said...

Ha! This is sound advice. I'm shocked some days that I actually have two kids based on research proving your hypothosis!

Anonymous said...

So far this has never happened to me...thank gawd!

Momo said...

Haha, I freaking wish! Let me give you some advice. I got PG with my 2nd w help from a doc (10 yrs after our first). Then...when she was 6 mo old, TOTALLY breastfed, I hadn't had a period in, Oh, 15 months. I found out I was PG w #2. After him, I got on "the patch"...3 years later #4 was concieved. ON BIRTH CONTROL. If a kid slept w us, or I slept in another room...he (the randy X) would drag me by my hair to the laundry room in the middle of the night--he did NOT go without. I didn't really wake up so it didnt bother me...

Thank God I turned 40, met someone who flipped my switch--and now it's been 52 hrs since weve done the TANGO. And I'm going insane. I'm grabbing his hair and dragging him to the laundry room soon.

Kelly said...

interesting post.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind have a little kid every once in a while. Some nights it's just not happening! haha

Anonymous said...

at least you hadn't gotten into the act full-monty when the little darling walked about an interruption!!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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