August 20, 2008

Spiders on Crack and Lesbian Love Affairs

Okay, I'm really sorry that I didn't get the photos from Ridge's first day up yet. I was tired, so I took a nap. I said I'm sorry, dammit. You'll get 'em tomorrow.
As I've already disclosed on a previous blog, nothing warms my heart more than praise that stroke my eccentric ego. Yes, I love you Mommy gets close, real close to be exact. But, still, no cigar. I'm sure before too much longer I'll brainwash Ridge and Rolan to run their little fingers through my hair as they tell me how much smarter I artie wrote:am than all the other mommies. But, until then, I will just have to get that crazy need from you, my darling readers.
Almost as much as creative idol-worshipping, I love that so many of you get my twisted sense of humor. Next to a downpour or compliments upon my genius wit, nothing warms my heart like tits and ass jokes. I love you Mommy applies to this as well. As a mother of sons, I know someday my boys and I will have that to bond over. There friends are totally gonna be like, "Dude, where's your mom? We want to hear some of those fabulous ass jokes."
And then the boys are going to be not-at-all embarrassed. I'm sure winning life's parental lottery is going to be a blessing to them.
Anyways, back to my readers, my favorite people on Earth, people I love more than Bill Clinton. And I didn't even know that was possible. Unless of course Bill is reading and then he would be totally unsurpassable.
This morning Dustin, whose lavish applause already landed him in one post recently, sent me a youtube video "documenting" spiders on drugs. I laughed until I peed. Maybe I shouldn't have disclosed that. Jesus, Shonda. Any biopic that reviews how one species makes another it's bitch is gonna have me from the start. That's just how I roll, bitches.

Then, as if his awesome video wasn't enough, I want to share with you a comment I receive earlier this week. It really tickled my fancy.
Martie wrote:
If I was a lezbo... I'd be in love with you. You're about as cute as a speckled pup pulling a little red wagon (Ok, so I totally stole that line from some dude who used it on me 20 years ago...it worked for the weekend anyway).

Well, Martie, you might need to know that much more sweet talk like this and you might just have one short, fat lezbo on your hands.
When I told Rowdy about this, I could see the excited anticipation on his face. Like, so can we have a lezbo? Please, Shonda, please. I will feed her. I will walk her. Please, can we keep her.
After one of our kids was born, I told him I wanted to join a thespian moms groups and he was all for it.
I was like, So you don't mind if I have to drive 45 miles to be in it.
Him, No, at all if that's the closet.
Me, Yup, and then I might have to be gone a couple a nights a week for practice.
Him, They have practice?
Me, Uh, well, yeah, they aren't going to just put 20 women up on stage without it.
Him, Now wait just one minute. Why do you have to do this on a stage? Won't a bedroom work? Maybe a big hotel room?
Me, What the hell are you talking about?
Him, Nothing.


Okay, that conversation totally never happened. Being in a thespian group would be way too much work and would seriously cut down on my internet time. You know I'm letting nothing come between me and the world wide web. Nothing!
But, if I were to tell him I wanted to join a thespian group, I can tell you that's exactly how the conversation would go since supporting our ladies in the rainbow army is his top priority. We all deserve equal rights, huh Rowdy? When my husband thinks of all the oppression of lesbians, the way they can't make out with each other in frilly little nightgowns out in public, it just breaks his little humanitarian heart.
Anyways, thanks, Martie. As you all know, lavish praise is the way to my heart, so bring it on, bitches.
Okay, fine, you twisted my arm. I will leave you with one more. Cousin Cookie knows how to pluck the heartstrings of my dirty soul.
Well I have to give ya a high five for this one. I assume the cousin you preferred to is my well endowed daughter. It does make a difference when ya spend a little extra for the girls to be held up.No matter what its ALL about comfort. Don't let anyone tell ya different. I must add I think that you are the most brilliant, witty, classy but yet still with humor beautiful women whom loves the 'F' word, but wait there is more, who can cook.... Love you girl. Cookie

That's right. She called me brilliant, witty and classy and managed to keep a straight face when I asked her if she was being a wise ass.

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2 comments:

Suzanne said...

you are such a nut! and you know how fondly I mean that... love it.

for a different kind of girl said...

This post read like the stream of thoughts that flutter through my head constantly. In short, it felt like home! I'm so coming back to see what's going on!

Thanks for coming by my blog last week and reading about my bliss with Zoey McSlutenstein. Totally appreciate it!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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