August 16, 2008

Nothing Turns Me On More Than Sturdy Cookware

So, I went shopping for my birthday present with my grandma today. She, of course, wanted to get me a bra because that's what grandmotherly people always want to purchase for boulder bearers like myself. If your pimping a C cup or less, I'm sure you've never had this not-at-all-awkward convo with your female elders. But, if you are "blessed" as my cousin and I are, you undoubtedly have had the extreme pleasure of pulling your shirt up in front of strangers as your grandma rambled on about lifting and smoothing.
When Grandma called to schedule this underwear outing, she asked what else I would like for my upcoming birthday.
A skillet, I quickly replied.
A skillet? she quizzed.
Yes, a skillet.
For your birthday?
Yes, a skillet.
After Grandma generously dropped more cash on one bra than I have invested in ten others picked up in some discount bin, we went out in search of the perfect cookware. Now, fellas, you don't get an ass (or jugs, for that matter) this big if you don't take food preparation seriously. And, trust me, I take it, like, disassembling-the-live-bomb serious. Like the world's gonna combust if I don't master this lemon alfredo sauce serious.
We strolled down the aisle, first sailing past each beautiful skillet and then slowing down in front of our favorites. We held them above our heads, examining them against the light. We read dimensions and then compared that against its weight. If the store has a surveillance camera, I'm sure the geeky tech kid is gonna have a field day with that footage. (Yes, I'm calling someone else a geek. Let it go.)
After a solid 30 minutes of muling over our three favorites like we're adopting a kid from some foreign orphanage, we made our selection -- a dark, sleek lover I'm gonna make some beautiful, creamy, spicy music with.
Rowdy was home when I came in, a true oddity this time of year. I had a great time with Grandma and Rolan. On top of birthday prizes, she treated me with a delicious meal and, good Lord, Mississippi Mud Pie.
I burst in the house, beaming with pride for my new culinary find. I held my Extra Large Martha Stewart Fryer out toward him.
Check this out, baby. This bad boy's got a porcelain exterior. This is damn near 7 quarts of cooking right here. It was made with aluminized-steel construction for even heat distribution, I purred.
Then Rowdy said, You sound like some car junkie bragging about their wheels, Shonda.
What?
You know, like horsepower and cylinders. I mean, that's what you sound like.

Yeah, Rowdy think he's a damn comedian.
Madonna turned 50 today. I wonder what Madge is doing to commemorate half a century of life. Alex Rodriguez, perhaps? (I thought I'd use this post as a slimy opportunity to mention Madonna sexing it up with Alex Rodriguez. In case you haven't noticed, ads pop up with similar themes to my blogs, so I was hoping that those might be the catch words that ads grab. Let's do it one more time for good measure, Madonna may or may not be getting it on with A-Rod. Okay, I'm done shamelessly fishing for funny ads.)
Anyways, my birthdays isn't for a few more days, but my paryting will likely be limited to entertaining with my new cookware. I know many of you think I'm overexaggerating about my fun hater status, so if calling friends, who are no doubt drowning in boredom when talking to me, to share my excitement over my new skillet doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.
Also, please overlook any typos in this post. My giant boobs are pulled up to my eyeballs, so I can only see half the computer screen. Thank goodness for the fancy, new bra. These bitches are like weapons now!

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10 comments:

red clay said...

every boy that has got a woman that is blessed.
first thing he should do.

see, unless a lady grows up with the help throwin money at their head. they don't know.
it ain't all expensive.
and good Lord, the gratitude.
the first time a girl gets to the end of a day, and she don't feel like her bra is cuttin her in half,pinching or biting her.
Lord.
there's people that measure and make, make em special. or. most of the department stores have people come in. they are usually picking from a rack. but even then. the right size makes a world of difference.

noble pig said...

Happy early B-day and it sounds like some good present shopping went down! Nice.

ciara said...

happy bday! my husband's bday was yesterday.

i came by way of lori's 'top hands' and just wanted to say that i like your writing. i love the 'f' word, too...a LOT LOL

Misty said...

Good cookware and a good bra... What more could a girl want? The good bra is only to keep the girls from sagging and getting a little too hot while using the cookware. I bought myself a bra from Victoria's Secret for christmas from Casey. I was shopping and wanted to see what the hype was all about, so, I found my size very cautious to avoid the gal with the tape measure draped around her shoulders. I went into the dressing room and right then and there called Casey and informed him that he/I was going to purchase not one but two of the magical pieces for myself for him to give me for Christmas... Of course, he was at work surrounded by greasy mechanics. He said, "A bra... You're buying yourself a bra for me to give you for Christmas?" I said, "No, I'm buying two." He then sighed and said, "Alrighty then." Then, when I got home and strutted with perkiness around the house, he asked me what I really wanted for Christmas and I turned to him and said, "A big, deep skillet with teflon." I cannot believe you just wrote a blog about your birthday wishes and I very gratefully recieved the same stuff for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Well I have to give ya a high five for this one. I assume the cousin you preferred to is my well endowed daughter. It does make a difference when ya spend a little extra for the girls to be held up.No matter what its ALL about comfort. Don't let anyone tell ya different. I must add I think that you are the most brilliant, witty, classy but yet still with humor beautiful women whom loves the 'F' word, but wait there is more, who can cook.... Love you girl. Cookie

Shonda Little said...

Awww.....loves you, too, Cookie!

anna said...

I'm a little jealous of the skillet, but I'm a lot jealous of the Mississippi Mud Pie. And spending a lot on a bra is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Or so Veronica Webb told me, before her show got cancelled.

Happy Birthday!

nikki said...

I want a dutch oven. Of course all the ones I've gotten crushes on are over $100. I also want cast iron pans. I can dream can't I?

nikki said...

Oh and have a fab birthday! Eat more cake. I love cake. It's thew best part of birthdays.

Romach said...

A happy belated Birthday! And love the cookware!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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