December 27, 2008

Shine in 2009

Well, Christmas is over, thank goodness, for 11 more glorious months. I realize that math may not add up to those of you who don't co-inhabit with small children. Those of you who do know exactly what I am talking about, how the network television channels start playing The Polar Express and long list of other Christmas themed movies the day after Thanksgiving, naturally with Santa and the elves and this season's hottest new gadgets in each and every commercial during the presentation.
Oh, but alas, I can pause the Yuletide bitching for almost a year. And since I haven't found something new to bellyache endlessly about yet, I've kinda had blogger's block, Readers. I've stared at the blank screen, the flashing cursor taunting me into just one more beer for inspiration.
Thank goodness I stumbled upon Sprite's Keepers subject for this week's Spin Cycle, New Year's Resolutions. I know this is going to shock most of you, but I am a woman of many flaws. This was just in the nick of time, too. I was about to bust out the beer funnel. So, without further ado, here's my fix it list:

1. Like every New Year's since I was 13, I'm gonna have to put lose weight at the top of this bitch. I mean, unless the government starts giving my sizable ass its own vote, which I think is only fair considering it takes up as much space as some whole people, I guess I should consider getting rid of the uselessness. And, if I should manage to stay dedicated to the goal long enough to have some success, I might as well put keeping the lost weight off for good measure on here. I've lost weight before, but it comes back like a boom-a-rang.

2. Even though I don't get to eat sushi near as much as I would like, which would be every single day if I had my way, I guess I should want to eat less of it. I mean, Jeremy Piven's doctor says that his frequent sushi consumption lead to high levels of mercy in this system, thus making it impossible for old Jeremy to keep this contractual duties in the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow. He was contracted to play the part for 10 more weeks, but he was just too spoiled and douchey ill to uphold those obligations. Of course, he did feel good enough to hop a plan to Bangkok. So, maybe I shouldn't stop eating sushi, but rather become rich enough and famous enough to find some quack awesomely qualified physician like Jeremy's Dr. Carlon Coker to supply me with any wildly unbelievable excuse I might need to get out of something I just don't want to do.
Since Jeremy's plight forced him from the stage, the David Mamet play has lost money and sushi restaurateurs all over the country have called bullshit on his claim. If I were Jeremy, I wouldn't worry about the mercury in my sushi from here on out, but I would keep an eye open for spit.
"I understand Jeremy is leaving show business," Mamet told Variety, "to pursue a career as a thermometer."

3. Teach my children to never trust a fart, at least when they are ill. To add to the misery of Christmas, my children both came down with a stomach bug. But, since they had yet to learn this important life fable, poor Momma has had to wash many an extra pair of undies because of the wrath of stealthy sharts. If you don't know what a shart is, just think really hard. It's one of those two words put together jobs. Yeah.... that's right.

4. Organize, well, my life. I have this uncanny knack of turning everything I touch into chaos. My mentor Mary Fern has always told me that this is just a trait of artistically genius people. I think that may be code talk for crazy, quirky artsy types, but she stands by it. My friend Chelsea, who just happens to be the most talented artist I know, agrees. Truthfully, my mind seems to work best when surrounded by clutter, particularly if I am lucky enough to have it with a looming deadline. Of course, this could all be bullshit, but I'm sticking with creative licensing until I get rich enough to hire a live-in maid.

5. See my friends more often. Since the boys have come into our lives, Rowdy and I have both morphed into these old hermits. Going out and doing things just takes so much effort, not to mention just how much I've grown to love sweat pants. Still, I do have great friends, friends I miss all the time, and I need to pry my lazy, old ass from the comfort of my couch and snuggling kids to see them. Also, they might remind me that I am just 28.

6. Be more positive. Wait, scratch that. I don't mean that at all! I like being a snarky pessimist. In fact, I don't even like to call it that. I think those of us who think that things are probably going to be shitty should just be referred to as realists. You optimists are constantly running around just knowing things are going to fall perfectly into place and, when the certainty of disaster strikes, you are dumbfounded and disappointed by how such a (predictable) thing could happen. All the while we realists shake our heads and say, "Well, I knew that shit was going to happen." And then, every great now and again, when something does work out or run smoothly, we get to be surprised. Really, is there anything better than surprises?
Plus, if I shucked all my negative bitchiness, I would probably have to shut down this blog. I doubt any of you are coming here to read about chirping birds and rainbows and long walks on the beach.

7. Read more. Naturally, I'm not referring to blogs as they've already taken over my life like some unstoppable rebel coup. No, I mean like those ancient contraptions called books. You know, the ones your high school English teacher tried to ram down your thought. Well, I think she was right. Perhaps some of our country's latest conundrums could have been prevented if any one of us still read history books.

8. Be nicer to Rowdy. It's true, he provokes me like a snot-nosed boy rattling a rabid dog's cage. But, I know it's all out of loving orneriness. He is sweet to me like 96% of the time. Plus, he puts up with all my quirkiness, such as wailing on and on about the Bush Administration and teaching our boys to proclaim that Prop 8 is hate and blogging about all our bickering for all the world to read and serving the boys peanut butter sushi for breakfast. Of course, as I type this, he has cuddled up with our two children and flipped the tube to Steven Seagal's On Deadly Ground. I don't want our babies watching some greasy haired ninja. It's like he enjoys ass chewings.
Be nice, Shonda, be nice.

9. Ban Steven Seagal from our household. That is all.

10. Scrapbook more. It is kind of like the crack cocaine of the hobby world, but I have been slacking recently. How else are my children going to know to resent me for all the shenanigan outfits I put them in if they aren't all well-documented?

11. Give to more charities. With retail stores actually closing at Christmas, which is like saying, "With strip clubs in New York City closing right before the entire horny U.S. Navy descends upon it for Fleet Week," I think it clear that the Bush presidency has finally culminated into widespread hard times. Not long ago, I cried when GoodFather shared this story of being laid off. So, while I am worried that we might have a hard time making money raising beef when the entire country is too damn broke to buy a steak, I also think this might be a good time for me to realized how blessed we truly are. We have a warm house and full bellies. So, if you have any ideas on charities, send them to me.

12. Be more environmentally friendly and energy efficient. I've already started using hemp grocery sacks and those funny looking light bulbs. Noble Peace Prize, please! But, I really think the family Little should take it one further. I try to keep the lights we aren't using out and if my family wasn't such pusses about cold weather, I'd shut the heater off. Of course, I could start recycling my beer cans. That in itself might shut down an aluminum mine. Wait, are their aluminum mines? Anyways, I could save a small fortune, too. My Explorer is paid off, so I plan on driving it until its wheels fall off, but the next car is definitely doing to be one of those 50 miles a gallon golf carts. I bet Osama bin Laden hates those cars. So, that's one I am going to focus on, being less wasteful.

13. Shine in 2009. We're all in this thing together.

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30 comments:

Michelle J said...

I wanna shine in 09 too!!! Perhaps we can do that one together!!!

Love ya girlie!!!

Michelle J said...

Oh i also want to eat sushi, lose weight and read more!!!! God we have so much in common!!!

Kailyn said...

What? Steven Seagal wasn't already banned in your household?

As for charities, I'm kind of partial to ones that involve food and/or children. One of my favorite radio stations around here gives a list of various community organizations. Perhaps stations in your area do the same. Like perhaps you could sign the boys up for Little Brothers-Friends of the Elderly. You'd kill two birds with one stone -- give back to the community and get the boys out of your hair for a bit. So you could go out for some sushi.

dumbwhore said...

I never really liked Jeremy Piven. Always seemed like a douchebag.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I totally get the entire Jeremy Piven claim and called BS on it too! Love this list and may have to steal a couple since I haven't written mine yet, yours is better, and we're just going to leave it at that.
You're linked and welcome to the Spin Cycle!

LYNDI said...

and we all shine on! like the moon and the stars and the sun...happy 2009 shonda!!! i love, love, love YOU!

LYNDI said...

Oh my word! I've been trying to figure out how to leave a comment for months now and I finally figured it out...i'm going back through these blogs and posting everything i've been wanting to say!

noble pig said...

Oh geez number 3 killed me but it is so, so true.

Amber said...

I'm with you on number 3. Good grief, the laundry I've done. Not pretty.

Casey said...

Great list of resolutions. I finished mine yesterday and I think a few of ours overlap. I hope you didn't give it to Rowdy too much, sounds like he tries. I'm mean to Jamie for no particular reason sometimes since I can't take stress out on the kids and he's big enough to take it... I'll work on that this year too.

Mollie said...

You know what should be on here? Trying harder in the kitchen. You just aren't working hard enough.

Shonda Little said...

@Mollie,
I know, right? He's pissed that I put sauteed broccoli in a meat pie a few weeks ago and he's still carrying his cross.

phonelady said...

yeah well I am doing all that you listed too only i am banning James Bond 007 from this house . My husband has an insatiable quest to watch every James Bond movie with sean connery as james bond . he considers him the only bond .

Jen said...

Sing it sister! My ass needs it's own vote too!

apathy lounge said...

I will lost weight, but it won't be by eating sushi. Unless, of course, I being power-vomiting afterwards.

Michele said...

I should have looked at your list before I made out cuz yours is so much better.

On #7, try the library it's free. I'm not just saying that because I'm a librarian and we need to raise our stats so those panty-waste politicians will give us more funding. I'm just saying...

Michele said...

Shonda: I wish there were a public awareness group. We do have Friends of the Library but we really don't want those little old ladies doing much. They may break a hip.

Oh, JR and the gang went to the football game which left me with the house to myself for 10 hours. Bliss, pure bliss. I actually got to work the remote. At our house if you don't have a penis you don't get to work the remote. Or that's what they keep telling me.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Love the list!! I put losing weight on my Bitch List, too. Bleeeeeaacccchhh!

shopgirl said...

Just found your blog from SK - Spin Cycle! I too want to weigh less, eat more sushi, and well - I don't want to be more optimistic - I loves me snarky self!!

Great post - and fun blog!!

Text Imps said...

LMAO @ resolution 3. I think I might have to borrow that one but I'll be amending it to also say Hubby.

Marc said...

Hey Shonda I love your list! Love it! I will probably do one myself soon too. I defo need to hit the vegetables as I have done nothing but lived on chocolate all over Christmas lol All the best to you and your family for the New Year :-)

phonelady said...

thanks mama about the coat thing and we did try that cause I called my sister in law who is little suzy q homemaker too she told me the same thing and blah nothing happened . we gave up and threw it away . It was so bad we could not even give it to the salvation army . thanks for being a friend to me and the coat LOL!!!

Issas Crazy World said...

I am laughing my ass off over here. Personally I think I'm adding eat more sushi too my list. Although I'm a food snob and sushi in Denver just doesn't make the cut. (I'm from California.)

Anonymous said...

gawd. you're goooood shonda. my #1 on MY list? start my sentences with a capital letter.

PS: steven shithead segal is banned from my house too--as is tom crapper cruise. planet of the apes movies are next...

Martie of http://uncontainedchaos--take2.blogspot.com

PS: make note of the new blog--i abandoned the old one.

Anna Lefler said...

OK, "shart?"

You, my friend, are a genius.

That may very well be my go-to word for 2009. Yessss.

Happy New Year!

:^) Anna

The Daily Rant said...

Shine in 'o9 - my brother coined that EXACT phrase at Thanksgiving - it's a trend! lol I love your list. I especially like #6 because I'm totally with you on that one. And I'd like to be nicer to my guy too because he's about the same % nice to me as yours is to you - except I have one up on you - mine isn't a Republican. Thank GOD.

As for reading more....I've got a few suggestions (and maybe even a few free books to send you) if you're interested. Let me know!

big hair envy said...

I'm starting the South Beach diet on January 5....wanna join me?

HeatherPride said...

Totally with you on the Steven Segal thing. Oh, and the shart? HILARIOUS!

Laufa said...

I want mercy in my system, guess I should eat more sushi. Mercury no, but mercy would be very nice.

Meli said...

I am with you on #5.

Happy New Year!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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