December 22, 2008

Have A Corporate, Corporate Christmas

When I was a little girl, we didn't have The Tosito Bowl. The Orange Bowl was just the Orange Bowl. I don't know what in the hell the super fast shipping of FedEx has to do with football and, for the life of me, I can't figure what the damn Brut Sun Bowl is.
Either way, it is clear that marketing and consumerism have become as deeply ingrained in our society as the unbriddled lust some middle aged women have for the hottest, newest Coach purse. I'm friends with a few of those Coach purse junkies. You know I love them, but when the conversation turns to these must-have accessories, theirs eyes glaze over and their mouths water like frat boys at a titty bar at the mere thought and, I swear to God, you could buy their first borns if you run a hard bargain.
We've been being screwed by the long dick of multi-national corporations for a while now. So long that we don't even seem to notice it anymore. The spidering effect of this endless marketing was particularly apparent in a conversation I had with my four-year-old son yesterday morning. His mind is so consumed with all things Thomas the Train that his obsession tops even those ladies who are searching eBay for Coach purses as I type this.
"Momma," he said, "You need to call Santa Claus to go to Wal-Mart and get me two more trains. I need Duncan and Molly."
(In case you are wondering why he demanded that I call Santa, he "hears" me on the phone with Ole Saint Nick at least three times per day making a report on the latest Christmas-busting shenanigans he and his brother have pulled. Now I realize doing this, I'm just another link in the chain of the corporate Christmas. What can I say, it works!)

I tried to explain to Ridge that Santa wasn't at Wal-Mart, that he was at the North Pole building toys with the elves.

"I don't want him to build my trains," Ridge huffed. "Just tell Santa to go buy them at Wal-Mart."
That little wise ass, I have no idea where he gets that.

Anyways, as we left town yesterday, we drove passed the local Wal-Mart, last minute shoppers crawling through the parking lot like fleas on a mangy coyote.
Ridge pointed out his window, excited by the mere sight of his Holy Land, and declared, "Look, Momma, that's where Santa is going to buy my toys!"

That's right, Readers, you aren't fooling my kid. He knows there's no damn elves diligently assembling his toys at the top of the world. He may be four, but he's no fool. Hell, the only reason he still believes in Santa is because he knows his mother's and father's asses are too damn tight to be footing the bill for all this bullshit.

Merry Christmas.



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8 comments:

Mollie said...

Adie led the charge last year in the 'there is no Santa' crowd. This year both her and Wye are sure that mommy is the real gift giver. Hannah and Car though, are convinced that if they stop believing they will not get presents.

big hair envy said...

Bwahahaha! They grow up SO fast...don't they??

Wal-Mart has become the bane of my existence. Why do kids find it so darn attractive??? I'm in the process of brainwashing my 16 year-old into believing that Target is the place to be. Seems to be working....they have Starbuck's.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

This was brilliant! I am sooooo Stumbling this!

My almost 3 year old even knows what WalMart is even though I hate that place with a red hot passion. I don't get it. Are they implanted with some sort of WalMart gene that gets switched on when they're old enough to watch TV and comprehend marketing on the simplest level?

Whilst I rarely leave the house unless I absolutely have to, I'm with BHE on this one...Target is the place to go, if ya gotta go. And the Starbucks thing is an added bonus!

phonelady said...

oh my god I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants . ah so you dont know where your kid comes up with this stuff look at mom that is where . he has sort of the same kind of snarky thing going on same as you . Good blog as usual have a great christmas .

Marc said...

Merry Christmas Shonda to you and your family. Hope you have a good one. Sending you warmest wishes from the UK ;-)

Casey said...

Ha! Even Santa is being overrun by Walmart. The poor guy. He should really think about outsourcing some of his toys to then so he can have some down time.

Avonlea said...

"Just tell Santa to go buy them at Wal-Mart."

Awesome!! My little boy is 2 and a half, and he hasn't been over-commercialized yet. Right now, I'm like, eh, if having Dora or Diego on his yogurt or Winnie the Pooh on his plate makes him happy, then great. But then he watches Noggin and Playhouse Disney, so he doesn't see the commercials hyping specific toys. Plus, we don't take him to stores either if we can help it. :-)

I know it's only a matter of time...

Amber said...

My 3 1/2 year old convinced herself that Santa doesn't bring plastic presents, because the elves can't make them. I didn't tell her this, but I'm totally happy to let her keep believing this, if it means I can get away without a trip to Wal-Mart.

And the worst part of being Canadian? We don't have Target. Oh, how I love me some Target.

Merry Christmas!

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