December 21, 2008

If You Have An Iritant on your Hands, Don't Rub Your Eyes. Unless Of Course You Want Your Entire Face to Fall Off, and Then Do.

A few months ago, I read in the newspaper that the scent of peppermint oil sends pesky little mice running away from the source and, therefore, into the outdoors. Now, like most country dwellers, I'm constantly looking for ways to outsmart for little bastards. You have to get up early and stay up late, my friends.
So I swung by the local drug store and picked up a tee tiny bottle, which, by the way, was like $20 per freakin' ounce. I also got some cotton balls to douse it on. Then I jumped in the car, tossed the bank-busting bottle of peppermint oil into the backseat of my car with about 45 other items I've been searching for the last six months and went on about my merry way.
As I did my bi-annual car cleaning this morning, I spotted the supposed mouse repellent. Holy shit, I had forgotten all about that stuff! Rushing in the house, my excitement woke my husband from his semi-nap as I soaked a handful of cotton balls and stuffed them under furniture and by the front door.
And then, with absolutely no awareness of the torture I was about to inflict upon myself, I rubbed my left eye. I'm sure you probably already figured this, but it turns about that highly concentrated peppermint oil burns when you touch it to your vulnerable eyeball. It burns with the fire of 10,000 chlamydia infections, as though you've just used a heaping bowl of onion salsa to wash a splinter of your eye. It was pure misery.
With my eyelid squeezed tightly, I hustled to the sink and washed my hands. After all, I didn't want to further this brutal assault. I grabbed a paper towel, ran water onto it and then attempted to wash this rain of hell out of it. Turns out, either I didn't get all the peppermint oil off of my hand or I still had some lingering upon my eyeball. Whatever happened, the swiping of my left eye drew the unbearable pain to the other eye. Not only that, my cheeks were set ablaze. My skin was splotchy red.
My husband, who was sitting in his lazy boy enjoying the spectacle, proved to be less useful than a lump on a particularly useless log. Basically, he was like George Bush in the middle of this financial crisis. As I handed him two wet wipes, he shrugged his shoulders and told me he just didn't know what he should do. And I was all, Seriously, Dude, Rub that sweet relief on my eyeballs. Rowdy maintained that he didn't think that would help as he spouted of other suggestions without taking his attention from whatever bullshit sporting event he was watching.
After I realized my husband would be absolutely no assistance, I ran to our bedroom, flipped on the fan by my bed and pushed my face against it. The gentle breeze was almost instant relief, like an epidural after 6 hours of hard labor. Yes, that's right, I'm comparing the peppermint oil incident to child birth. Yes, I've been through child birth. It's totally the same. Let it go.
After 20 minutes of bellyaching, the hurt finally faded away. That damn peppermint oil better pay off. If I see one mouse in this house this winter, I might freak out and pour peppermint oil in his beady little eyes. Bastards.

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12 comments:

Kailyn said...

So sorry about your mishap.

My first thought in reading this tale was the cost of the oil. I instantly went to the site for the local store where I buy oils. Apparently I can get 1.69 ounces for $18.50 -- if you find that you need some more.

Lapa37 said...

That sucks I bet it hurt like he**.I hope after all that pain and suffering it actually works to rid your home of those mice.

In regards to the picture on my blog hubby says is in fact not a vehicle in the picture.I know it sure does look like a classic car to me as well.He was standing on the side of our shed and really doesn't remember what was there.

Mollie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charmaine said...

Ha ha.

I canNOT dice a jalapeno without rubbing my eye.

I never rub my eye. It's like chopping up a jalapeno MAKES me rub my eye.

Lastly, I heard it was Wintergreen oil that offends the little bastards.

Shonda Little said...

Well fucking great, I'm sure I handed over a small fortune and then went through eyeball hell only to have the wrong shit. That sounds about right.

Anonymous said...

OK. SHONDA, REALLY I LOVE YOU I SWEAR I DO ,BUT I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY, AND THAT KINDA MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE ELSE THAT READ THIS OR POSTED A COMMENT DID NOT SEE THE HUMOR AS I DID. LIKE I SAID IM AN ASS. MELISSA K

noble pig said...

OMG I am laughing, not on your pain but your delivery of the story. 10,000 chlymidia infections...oh that was good. Keep us updated on the mice situation.

Snug said...

Oh, dear. I'm laughing ... but I've done it myself a time or two. 10,000 chlamydia infections, indeed. Betcha've come to this conclusion yourself - but essential oils aren't always kid friendly substances to have around the house.

Kailyn said...

Just needed you to feel a bit better...

I did some checking online. It is indeed peppermint oil and not wintergreen to get rid of mice. You have not suffered in vain.

Suzanne said...

I know that it is wrong to laugh at your pain, but you left me no choice but to do so. In fact, as I read this, I considered not reading your blog any more because every time I do, I am jealous at your excellent comedic writing. However, I cannot give you up.

And your friend Mollie's comment is pretty good incentive to come back, too. More abortions, indeed!

phonelady said...

that so sounds like something I would do and have the same results thanks for making my day . I hope your eyes felt better the next day dear . Merry christmas to you and yours .

midlife slices said...

I use Tea Tree Oil for everything (but not mice) so I always end up with it in my eyes or other vulnerable areas. I feel you pain.....but I still had to laugh. LOL

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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