December 29, 2008

I Screwed Up And Let Both My Kids Become Obsessed with Thomas

As I sat down to write this post, the wise words of the big hair band of the 80s, Great White, are humming through my mind, "My, my, my, You're Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Babe."
I wish they would have been a few months ago when I rather ignorantly introduced my youngest son Rolan to Thomas the Train. Now, as I'm sure you already know, my oldest boy Ridge has taken his fascination with Thomas into obsession. I'm sure if he was old enough to have his own means of transportation and actually realized that The Day Out with Thomas that comes annually to Oklahoma City's Railway Museum traveled from city to city, he'd drop out of Rainbow Lane and follow it around like some stoned Dead Head. He knows each little train by heart, even the ones that are the exact same color and look virtually identical to one another except for their length of funnels or some such shit. The Thomas bug bit Ridge when he was about 2 and that cheeky train has been ruining my life ever since.
Because of that, you would think I would have had the fucking foresight not to introduce this Jedi mind-controlling hogwash to the little one. Clearly, I'm like kid who repeatedly sticks her hand in fire or poor dog who runs smack dab into the glass door over and over and over. I just never learn.
So now, just when Ridge's junkie addiction to Thomas finally appeared on the verge of being overcome, Rolan is waking up each morning, demanding Thomas be turned on through the magical genius of the DVR, thus giving Ridge a daily fucking reminder of just how much he still really, really loves Thomas. Instead of one boy making forceful requests as though I'm some hostage negotiator and he's got 10 kidnapped bystanders who can only be saved if the ransom of a Thomas showing is met, I have two.
For a while, I thought I had solved the Thomas crisis through the miraculous hands of YouTube. With Ridge old enough to run a mean mouse pad, I would put the boys in front of the computer, pull up YouTube, type in Thomas the Train and let them go to town. With the similar videos listed on the bottom right of the screen, Ridge just click away, buying me much needed house cleaning time while they watched an endless sea of Thomas videos. But then one day the title of one caught my eye as I walked by, picking up toys that were no doubt Thomas related. It was, "Gordon Kills Thomas," or something along those line. Yeah, apparently some asshole has made a whole collection of videos based on the series with a twist of The Shining or some other sadistic nightmare that 4-year-olds and 2-year-olds don't need to be watching, unless of course you are just wanting them to never sleep again, in which case, bombs away. I wanted to write this dude a nasty note along the lines of, "Thanks for screwing up my sweet thing, you sick bastard," but then I remembered that he's some nut job who apparently thinks turning beloved childhood icons into serial killers is hilarious. In an attempt to not end up as some sickos skin dress or cooked in their fat lady stew, I decided to withhold from the letter and just bitch about him here for the whole Internet to read. I think that's a much safer plan, don't you?
So, after the YouTube solution turned out not to be a solution after all, I had to let the boys start watching Thomas the old-fashioned way again, on the television. And as if my plight of Thomas mania wasn't bad enough, those assholes behind the PBS series have introduced a whole new handful of trains in this season's episodes. That means each time Ridge sees one of these new pricks during his daily Thomas fix, he immediately starts chanting, "Walmart! Walmart!" at the top of his lungs. He's not going to rest until we have each and every member of the Thomas fleet, which not only includes about a million rather similar trains, but also a bus, a traction engine (that's a tractor to us Americans), a helicopter and now a freakin' jet plane named Jeremy. Ridge's new partner in his bloody rebel coup, the formerly darling Rolan, is right beside him, pounding his tiny fists to the table, as he follows his brother's call to arms.
So, I just wish I would have heard The Great White song two months ago. Perhaps it would have sparked my one remaining brain cell into having a thought, which might have then lead to preventing this catastrophe. We already go through $20 a month in batteries just keeping the Thomas and Friends buzzing around the tracks scattered through our house. Will it be $40 this time next year? Perhaps $80? Who knows. Just heed my warnings, Readers, do NOT let your children watch this devilish nightmare or you, too, will be fighting this losing battle .

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20 comments:

big hair envy said...

At least you didn't have small children 15 years ago. We didn't have Thomas the Train............We. Had. BARNEY.

I've never recovered:/

Anonymous said...

well, i wish you'd have written this a week ago. As you know mason has now discovered thomas. and really if they are going to make all these trains they should all be compatible. Mason is pissed because all of his trains won't run on the same track. Its just a ploy to get us to buy more track!! and if it shuts my kid up I will be buying more tomorrow! BASTARDS!!

Martie said...

hee hee. I have 3, 5 and 6 year old boys (oh and a 12 yr old boy too)...they are fasinated with all types of GUNS. Not sweet choo-choos. Pistols. That are loud. Out of Space guns that shoot me in the backside while I'm unloading the dishwasher... Do you know how many times I've had to referee because the 6 year old shot the 3 year old in the forehead with a sticky bullet? Enjoy your choo choos. Pow-pow.

Text Imps said...

First, it's time to buy some rechargeable batteries and a charger! The price of $10+ for 4 batteries sucks but it soooo pays for itself.

As for the youtube thing, download the Firefox browser if you don't have it. Then... go get the "Download Helper" plugin. Next, find a free flv player. These 3 things will give you the ability to download and watch the vids from your computer. Well, the kids can watch while you clean.

If you need any help, feel free to message. I promise not to cook you in my stew. =D And Damn that Thomas the train!! But like Big Hair Envy said, at least it's not Barney.

for a different kind of girl said...

Replace "Thomas" with "WWE Wrestling" and you and I are living the same damn life!

Issas Crazy World said...

See I really needed to know this, because I was like, oh the blue train thingy is so cute, I can't wait until Harrison is old enough to have one. But now I know better. Although when i was a kid, it was Legos with my brothers and they are not any better or less expensive. Have you seen the Lego store? Ouch.

I currently live in the world of My Little Pony and Littlest Pet Death Shops...which luckily don't have movies or TV shows. (at least this is what my girls believe, not that Hannah Montana is any better.)

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Those Thomas TV shows scare the hell out of me. Soul-less trains...

Amber said...

My little girl is aware of Thomas, but prefers all things Disney Princess. Which is a whole 'nother hell, let me tell you. Anyhow, I now have a little baby boy, so I will take your warning and run with it. Perhaps I can save myself from being in your shoes in a couple of years. ;-)

Michele said...

There seems to be some sort of television crack for kids no matter the era. With mine it was Star Wars. Eighty bagillion parts for every f***ing thing.

mrsbear said...

Yep, You Tube is a double edged sword. People dub all kinds of innocent stuff with dialogue that would make a sailor blush. Thanks for the warning on Thomas tho, currently our obsessions range from dinosaurs to Yo Gabba Gabba, so far it's under control and I can get full episodes on NickJr.com so we're safe. Good luck funding the train fleet. ;-)

noble pig said...

Shonda, I just gave away 1000's of dollars of Thomas trains (the nice wooden ones) since my kids have outgrown them...I totally would have sent them to you...dang it.

Mollie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
phonelady said...

yes I also remember the barney days the kids got obessesed with barney not my kids but many other girl children that I knew . dont worry eventually they will outgrow Thomas and then you will be asking where their innocense went ? believe me when I say it all comes way too fast .

Sabrae Carter said...

Just think tho... when they are older and embarassed of it you have something to tell the future girlfriends and wives! lol

Jen said...

Ok, I loved Thomas when my son was little. Of course George Carlin was the narrator so it was fantastic for both of us. Ringo was ok too but when they brought it Alec Baldwin they lost me. I spent my son's college savings on the damn wooden tracks which did not work well in the bathtub but the dog sure liked them. Gordon was his favorite of all the engines which is probably because I was so grumpy and he probably reminded my son of me. No one was cheeky in those times. My daughter can't stand Thomas. But she loves Barbie and there are far more shoes to get lost and step on in the middle of the night than there are trains. It will pass. My son went from Thomas to Pokemon (that was the worst) and now he's a gamer who cannot be peeled away from his computer for anything but food. Enjoy this time and be thankful they aren't into Barbie and her slutty whore cousins Bratz.

The Holmes said...

YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALONE?!?! Oh thank Christ. I am in this same boat with you because my oldest son is a Thomas fiend. It wouldn't be so bad except that his grandparents feed his addiction, even after we've begged them not to. We have three different types of track and trains a'plenty for all of them. I know more about the Island of Sodor than I ever fucking cared to.

Casey said...

Ha, you poor thing. We're going through a similar obsession with Blues Clues (read all about it on Friday). TV is EVIL but it's oh so good. My kid didn't care for Thomas but he just turned two so maybe he's not there yet.
BTW, some fucktard made similar videos of Elmo dying and we played them briefly for my kid. He was too young to catch on but I was freaked that I had scarred him for life. That's probably the reason he's so violent with his sister. Damn.

Marc said...

Happy new year Luv. Best wishes for 2009 to you and your family! :-)

The Daily Rant said...

Please send me your email address so I can send you the information on those books I want to give away. You can email me at bellavenere@aol.com

Thanks!

Salena
The Daily Rant
www.bellavenere.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I don't know what your problem is! Thomas, James, & Gordon are the best baby sitters I've ever had! We have so many I couldn't name them all if I had to! and my just-turned-two-year-old corrects me everytime I name one wrong! Everything in his bedroom is Thomas & Friends..from the bedding to the toy box to the switch plate! I have decided that I like the wooden trains much better...the don't make noise!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

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