September 03, 2008

The Great Remote Wars of 2008 Wages On

The day after the now-infamous remote control/DVR debacle, Rowdy came in as I was watching a marathon of Snapped, a series about women who freak the eff out and kill their men. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and, all inspired by the show's subjects, I growled, "Don't even think about it, asshole."
As I fried chicken in the kitchen, peering out from under the cabinet at the tumultuous lives of the women being profiled, I could see that Rowdy was perhaps a little frightened by the ideas I was absorbing.
One lady added just a few drops of anti-freeze into her husband morning coffee until it became so backed up in his system that his organs failed. Another plowed her cheating man down in parking lot, reversing and driving back over him more than once. And so went the tales of accidental shootings and carbon monoxide poisoning and hired hit men.
With each documentary, I could see Rowdy's eyes growing round and, through the corner of my eye, I would periodically see him glancing over at me. As I brought his dinner, laid out beautifully over one of our wedding plates, our eyes met in a deadlock and I could sense him fearfully wondering, "Has this crazy bitch finally flipped out?"
Then I just leaned in, kissed him gently, "Don't touch that fucking remote, baby."

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13 comments:

Dianna said...

AMEN I say*!*

Mollie said...

You might front but we all know you're a dick-whipped when it comes to Rowdy. Bet he took 2 seconds to get over the "fear". You might as well order a new DVR and make sure to put your name on it. Or put it in the spare room. Secretly. With a blanket over it all the time...Stealth works over direct confrontation every time. I should know. It is my signature tactic.

Shonda Little said...

dick whipped? seriously, love that. Let me ask, Mollie, are you dick whipped?

ciara said...

lmfreakinao!

for a different kind of girl said...

Thank goodness for the Oxygen network for giving us Bridezillas and Snapped on one highly educational channel!

You totally win!

Mollie the Awesome said...

More than you. It's what gives me authority to diagnose your dick-whip-ped-ness.

Shonda Little said...

Loves it!

Joy said...

LOL Funny stuff and well-written! Thanks for the comment on my blog.

Dagny said...

OMG! "Snapped" is one of my fave shows to watch when there isn't much else on. Is it scary that I know the episodes you described?

Romach said...

I love me remote controls too! Their mine!!!!!!!! lol

noble pig said...

He's quaking in his boots! I love it and am laughing so hard.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I refuse to give up the remote only b/c I can't stands one more Lifetime movies or HGTV show. No mas! No mas!

Anonymous said...

I FUCKING LOVE it... I love Snapped. I wanna be a murderess when I grow up--these shows show how to do it and get CAUGHT--I wanna do it and get away with it-Uh OH...I may be on the Feds "Most Watched" list now.

PS: Mr. Fed: I was drunk and pissed off when I wrote this--I'm Chicken Shit--I'd never *really* hurt anyone. Just myself...


Martie of

http://uncontaonedchoas.blogspot.com

PSS Would I REALLY put my name AND blog saddress if I was thinking of harming anyone, I mean, COME ON!!!

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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