March 10, 2009

Fifty Years Old and the Broad's Still Perfect

For those of you living under a rock and have somehow missed the never-ending media blitz on this breaking news, Barbie Doll is turning 50 today. That's right, for half a century, she has now plagued chubby student government dorks and other adolescent females whose awkward bodies aren't all symmetrical like that of head cheerleader. I bet we can't even begin to put a number on all the Mercedes Benz luxury rides Beverly Hills plastic surgeons wouldn't have been able to buy had Barbie not been around to teach us what a woman's body is suppose to look like.

Now, don't get me wrong, Barbie. I ain't mad at 'cha. I know how unprofitable a Malibu Shonda would have been and it's not your fault that your maker made you all super hot. In fact, I will go far nough to say that you helped me as much as you hurt, Barb. Can I call you Barb? Cool.
You see, you were the only pure sex our parents wrapped up underneath the Christmas Tree and gave to us. Well, that's not entirely true, they gave us Ken, too. You know as well as I do that he's nothing to turn your nose up. Good for Barbie, you go girl. Anyways, along with millions of other curious American women, you allowed me to explore the sexual tango between a man and a woman with you and Ken firmly gripped in each of my hands. That's the closet most of us ever got to feeling like Marilyn Monroe or Farrah Fawcett or Christie Brinkley. Good bless you for that. I'm sure you knew our objectification of you would be rather helpful later in life.
Not to mention that, you were always there for us to mutilate when we were feeling a little down in the dumps with our body image or were particularly hating those bitches with the much glorified 36-24-36 frame, or both. It didn't matter if I burned your hair off or wrote on your face with permanent marker, you were always there with a perfect smile.
So, thanks, Barb, for not ratting me out to my folks about all the unick rubbing I made you and Ken do. That along with the head burning would've made a strong case for institutionalization, no doubt. It would help if you aged a little, maybe just one stray wrinkle under an eye or something. But, I know you can't help your plastic perfection. Here's to another 50 years. Someday my granddaughters are going to need someone to give them a healthy dose of self-loathing, pubescent sexual curiosity and a sounding board for their frustration and I know you are just the girl for the job.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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16 comments:

Trixie said...

Oh I remember the good ole days when as a teenager...you told all your friends you throw out your barbies when you were 10...when you secretly still had them and play out scenes of your daydreams with your school boy crush.

Think I might go buy a barbie and ken now...

Amber said...

I never had a Ken doll. I mean sure, you could pretend one of the Barbies was actually Ken, but that was never as good. I think I am still bitter, 25 years later.

Michele said...

Barbie and I are the same age this year. I really wish the old gal would put on a few wrinkles or gray hair or something. When can we have grandma Barbie? Didn't her and Ken have a love child that went bad?

Michelle said...

OH MY!!! I DID THE EXACT SAME THING YOU DID WITH KEN AND BARBIE!!!

Is it like some crazy thing us kids did back then to learn how to sex it up????

:O)

Casey said...

I must be under a rock since I had no idea that Barb was turning 50. I'm also the only girl alive who hates Barbie and never had them. My mom gave me her old Barbies and I pulled their heads off. I was more of a GI Joe girl. I'm glad she helped you get your rocks off though. Ha!

for a different kind of girl said...

My friend used to scrap Barbie's boobs off by running her over the cement. Needless to say, I suddenly had to take my Barbies and go home ("Is that my Mom yelling for me?!") when the aggression reared it's head!

Laura said...

Well, what can we expect from a doll that was modeled after a 20th century porno queen? Of course she's the most popular bitch on the planet! I'm with Michele - somebody please come up with Post-Menopausal Hollywood Hooker Barbie. Her Dream Home would come with 2 grown children, an old Honda Civic and a refrigerator filled with boxed wine. Oh wait. That's me.

lindaloohoo said...

when asked what my friend's daughter wanted for her fourth birthday, she replied 'for god's sake get her a barbie.'

i was horrified when i went shopping, because i was seriously hard pressed to find a barbie wearing anything i wouldn't go to prison for giving to a four year old. they are all ho barbie now. all she's missing is the ciggie hanging from the corner of her lips and a box of trojan condoms.

thank the lord, i actually found astronaut barbie. so even though blonde, astronaut barbie was really hot and would undoubtedly be fucked silly by all the sex starved ken astronauts in space, a four year old doesn't have to know about that fantasy. at least for a few more years.

Lorrie Veasey said...

This is the best Barbie post EVAH. In fact, I'm gonna deem it Trophy-Worthy, so now you need to E-me with your address so I can send you one of those suckers. Many will blog, but few will have something for their mantlepiece. Well done Grasshopper.

meandmom said...

We used to switch all the Barbie's heads with each other. I wonder how bad that messed up her psyche? I think I'm gonna go home today and take one of Littlest's Barbies and dye her hair gray. I'm gonna scratch in a few wrinkles while I'm at it too!

Thanks again for stopping by today!

Sprite's Keeper said...

This post gave me such a giggle and brought back tons of memories!

JBA said...

So funny! I only had one Barbie. My mother was a Barbie objector. I had the Sunshine Family- all pleasantly androngenous and hippy.

phonelady said...

Oh my god you are too funny now see I would have never thought to blog about barbie turning 50. Oh my god i just realized barb is only three years older than me . Okay I am going off to cry now thanks for that tidbit of reality there shonda . sniff , sniff talk to you all later .

HeatherPride said...

The Ken non-crotch doll really mystified me as a kid. I was pretty sure that's not what "that" was supposed to look like. Luckily I had a neighbor boy who was more than willing to show me his stuff as he peed on all the trees in my backyard.

Laura said...

My daughters were over Barbie much before any fears of pimples could erupt. How is it that little girls play with her? It's the clothes more than anything. No, I do not fear Barbie, afterall, it breed us and we are paragons of enlightenment.

apathy lounge said...

My formative years were...uh...INFORMED...by many, many days playing and dressing my Barbie. I made it out okay.

Finish This Page, but click on the older posts, too.

The knee-slappin,' cursin,' GOOD TIMES don't start or end on the front page, so read the older posts! Maybe you missed something. Maybe you forgot. I try to post daily, so read the older posts!
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